The Eldritch abomination known as “feelings”.
When you’re all dirty from your head to your toes
and you’re icky-sticky like crabby Mi-Gos,
don’t go insane within your jar-pickled brain,
use the soap that can clean any ichor stain,
use Yog-Sothoth Soaps, the pure soaps with the most,
the most bubble-action, like the Dunwich host,
the gate and the key are yours to a new clean,
the suds with eyeball buds to see in between
what is here and there, to see everywhere
there are mortal forms fertile and full of milk
wherefrom it may beget more of its same ilk.
That’s Yog-Sothoth Soaps, the special soaps aglow
with the dark eldritch truth you dare never know.
Yog-Sothoth Soaps are world-renowned for their effective consuming ability. They can clean whole stockyards of cattle (and their handlers) within minutes, leaving the stockyards spotless. Their bioluminescent bubbles make it easier to see where the grime is, and the eyes can see the grime where you can’t (such as in the mirror). For best results feed yourself directly to the soap when it is at full froth. It will grow and consume the entire house, leaving it not just clean, but one with the ONE-IN-ALL, and all with the ALL-IN-ONE. Yog-Sothoth Soaps are also great for bathing and showering your tenuous mortal flesh. Ladies may light ritualistic candles and take a bath while at peak fertility, but neither is required. Birth control does not interfere with the effectiveness of the soap because Yog-Sothoth does not believe in contraception and cannot be dissuaded by paltry biological contrivances. You WILL bear the effervescent seed of Yog-Sothoth.
Y’AI ‘NG’NGAH, YOG-SOTHOTH H’EE-L’GEB F’AI THRODOG UAAAH!!!
Pearls Of Wisdom
Gautama sits in his golden cloister,
mouth shut like a tight, complacent oyster,
silent, his shiny pearls clamped in himself
like a greedy man hoarding his vast wealth.
But what does the Buddha know, anyway?
He was nigh-thirty on that fateful day
when he rode forth into his father’s realm
on a grand chariot, a crown his helm.
He saw suffering thitherto denied
unto him while he long sheltered inside
amidst the opulence of his palace,
his life a draught from the golden chalice.
The bitter dregs were apparent, at last,
though he was still blinded by his high caste.
He saw an old man, a sick man, the dead,
and an ascetic, and though highborn-bred
he still worried about himself, of course,
(not others), and he wondered if the source
for removing such pains was self-denial.
So he sat under a tree for a while,
forty-nine days, they claim, though I do doubt
he sat that long, for he was bound to spout
about how great he was, how he alone
would discover Moksha, all on his own,
and he had to expel his piss and poo
so his bowels could be enlightened, too.
Be that as it may, his lotus soon gaped
and he saw Nirvana when he escaped
from the world’s pains, yet returning to preach
to any poor peasant within his reach,
saying, “You, too, can escape rebirth’s wheel
if you would only submit, bow, and kneel
and deny yourself less than what you now own,
which is already little, and on loan,
but as a prince I can tell you the worth
of such possessions on this fickle earth.
Life is suffering! The world is a trap!
Deny yourself—drink the bodhi tree’s sap!”
Most people shrugged, or only rolled their eyes,
and continued their work, already wise
to the ways of the world, to the hard truths
the prince could not learn from beneath the roofs
of his palace, his birthright, his clam shell,
that privileged heaven devoid of hell.
And then he began to raise his temples,
spreading his message like pox-born pimples,
no doubt using his princely position
to thwart other ascetics, his mission
privileged by connections to the courts
throughout the land, favors, toady cohorts,
his franchise spreading like a fast-food chain
or death-cult concerned with its earthly reign.
But he let go of some earthly trifles,
like his wife and child, that which oft stifles
a cult leader when he wants a fresh start,
free from the past—pure in his holy heart.
But Gautama could not shake his wife loose,
for earthly bonds are stronger than the noose
and will follow a man into his grave,
yet he was, if anything, a shrewd knave,
and said that women could not be allowed,
and, thus, his wife was lost among the crowd.
But after many complaints from his aunt,
Siddhartha did, eventually, recant,
saying, “Women can be nuns, I suppose,
but you are lesser than monks, because bros
come before hoes, and so you must obey
the lowliest monk, and do what they say.”
Then Gautama’s cousin rose against him,
saying Gaut was corrupt, given to whim,
and partook of meat, despite Buddhist laws
stating beasts could not be slain just because
monks and nuns hankered for pork or for fowl,
but only incidentally, somehow.
(What a roundabout loophole to ensure
you could eat sentient life and remain pure!)
But this would be your undoing, buddha,
not unlike Nagas and the Garuda
as the bird stamps claws downward to pin them
as fangs bite upward to sting with venom.
For you, too, hankered for non-vegan food
and though you forbid harm to beasts, your mood
was for pork, which was brought to you forthwith—
you ate it without so much as a sniff
and thereafter fell quite ill, your belly
sloshing and tossing, your bowels smelly,
taken to the grave by a bit of pig,
which is ironic for someone so big
in the world’s pantheon of myths and gods,
your shadow looming large, against the odds,
since you were not meant to be a being
at all, nor ego, nor soul, but fleeing
matter, space, and time, freed from such rebirth
that continues to populate the earth.
But speak, buddha, and let us hear the clink
of the pearls, of what you happen to think
is best for us peasants beneath your throne—
tell us what you think, what you alone
discovered after leaving your shelter
and saw, at long last, the helter-skelter
of Life, of the world at large, and its woes;
tell us what it is, naif prince, you suppose
is the source of our suffering, tell us
what we already know, be not jealous
of your unique viewpoint, your perspective
on Life, the existential elective.
I should like to hear the clink of your pearls
when you speak and your lacquered tongue unfurls.
The Queen’s Beloved Tower
Twas a queen in long agone times
whose husband was an old king
who ruled many lands, many climes,
and bound her with a wedding ring.
He gifted her a gemmy crown
studded with jewels all aglow,
yet the queen did but frown and frown
for the grave sadness she did know.
‘My dear darling,’ the great king said,
‘what ails you, my lovely flower?’
She said, ‘It is a matter of my bed,
for it is in a short tower.’
‘How doth that ail you?’ the king said.
And she answered, ‘Such short towers
bring no pleasure to those abed
in the lonely, feverish hours.’
So the king had his servants build
for his queen a looming tower
made of riverstone, in a field,
and in this did she embower.
‘Tis a fine tower,’ she remarked,
‘and nice, at its own modest height.
But,’ she added with an eyebrow arced,
‘Tis not so tall as is aright.’
So the king had more stones piled up
and the tower grew taller still,
the turret lofty like the cup
of a giant toasting his swill.
‘It is of adequate size now,’
the queen said with a blushing smile.
She raised a coquettish eyebrow
and bethought a wonderful wile.
The old king smiled, too, like a naif.
‘I am pleased you are pleased, my love,
and glad it is high, and, so, safe,
for tis like a bough for a dove.’
Yet the tower was now too high
and the king too old to walk it,
the steps making him groan and sigh
as his bones ached in each socket.
‘Will you not rejoin me?’ he asked,
‘for I miss you in my own bed.’
The queen said, ‘No, love,’ her face masked
with a smile rare since she was wed.
‘Husband, I am pleased being high
among the stars and the moonlight,
for it pleases me as I lie
abed and dream through the long night.’
She added, ‘Nor lonely am I,
but have my bard sing a sweet song
to put me to sleep, up so high
atop his tower—all night long.’
The king let be, happy his queen
was pleased and no longer forlorn,
and she was pleased, indeed serene,
coming to court happy each morn.
A fungal disease besetting stalks of corn
or a synonym given by prudes to porn.
C’est La Vie Sucre
The Empress Josephine had all the pearls
that a woman could want around her neck,
wealth envied by ladies and dukes and earls,
like the treasure from a galleon wreck,
yet below-deck, behind her crimson mouth,
the sugarcane sweets from her hometown isle
on Martinique, down in the Carib South,
had rotted her teeth brown behind her smile—
brown like molasses, and no pearls could hide
the oyster-halitosis in her quips,
for though the empire fetched pearls far and wide,
she had no pearls within her foul clam lips.
The High Priest
Behold! The most high priest
speaking false-tongued fictions
in a sprawl of corpses, a feast
to earn benedictions
from great Beelzebub,
the Hell Prince, Lord of Flies
who blesses maggot, worm, and grub,
and all death-fed likewise.
The fairies prance within my kilt
for she’s a lass bonnie built,
but when she kicked to dance a lay
she broke the wind—my fairies fled away.
But why fault such a lovely lass
her eagerness and a bit of gas?
Taking hold, then, I kiss her mute
and my fairies flee away at her toot.
To the chapel we go anon
with her bridal gown flowing on,
and at the altar love is vowed,
but my fairies flee when she farts aloud.
Across the threshold of my home
which is a cottage made of loam,
I carry the love of my life,
but the fairies sniff, groan, and flee my wife.
Upon my bed I lay her down
and from her breasts I doff her gown;
we make love sweet, gentle, and kind,
yet the pressure escapes out her behind.
A long life we live together,
in fair, fairer, fairest weather,
but the fairies remain outdoors
by day or night, for she farts as she snores.
Growing old, my lass never stops,
resounding through the mountaintops
of the highlands, lowlands, and all,
scaring the fairies with her war horn’s call.
But I never will mind her smell,
though oft like the sulphurs of Hell,
so why fret if my bonnie lass
wards fairies with her will o’ the wisp gas?
For in winter when cold winds blow
and the hearth is warm with fire’s glow
she lights it brighter with her fart
and warms me up body and soul, and heart.
Beware, my friend, beware!
If you care, if you dare,
to go make some night soil
when in nights black as oil
near lakes both dark and still
and you feel a slight chill,
if you squat, drop, or stoop,
Kappa will have his soup!
He likes it fresh, of course,
likes it fresh from the source,
so you mind from behind
or he will not be kind,
taking the best of you
for his witching hour stew—
reaching for an hors d’oeurve,
up your butt, like a perv.
Downwind Thinking himself quite tall and claiming the high ground, he loomed over them all from atop a dung mound. “You’re beneath me,” he said, “and you always will be.” Bible in hand, he read from Deuteronomy. “So circumcise your heart,” he said, “and be not...stiff...” then choked on the next part, getting too big a whiff of the shit neath his shoes, as did his would-be flock who left, as so behooves those sickened by shit talk. “Wait!” he cried, but then coughed at the odor blowing with the wind, now aloft, and the heat now glowing amidst the Summer sky beaming with its full fire, bringing tears to each eye and worse than any mire. “By God!,” the man exclaimed, “and by Moses and Christ, and all who yet be named, this is a true shite-geist!” He wavered a moment, feeling faint at the smell, but rallied as he went though the smell did but swell. “Yet, I shall reprimand this age of foulest souls and purge this goodly land until the church bell tolls to declare all so pure as a Godly town might...” He gagged as the manure stank in the hot sunlight. Rallying once again from atop his dais, he preached against all sin, saying, “Lord God, stay us from temptation, from lust, from envy and from wrath, show us works we will trust and show us the right path.” Then pointing at a boy passing by with a book, he vowed then to destroy all sinners with a look should they read any tome that was not the Bible, but the boy went on home and cared not of “high bull”. A girl then passed in grace with ribbons fine and fair and the preacher’s green face burned bright red with a glare. “Vanity is thy name! Forsake earthly treasures or it will be thy shame in Heaven, these pleasures!” The girl pinched her nose and gave him a wide berth, fearing to ruin clothes more than her soul on earth. The preacher loathed the cloth of her pink dress as well, saying “Beware the moth that nibbles souls in Hell!” The girl did not glance back, but hastened to the downs, keen to practice her knack for sewing pretty gowns. And many a more soul did the preacher condemn, the world together, whole— leaf and bloom, root and stem. “Foul! Foul! So foul indeed! This world stretched beneath me! An iniquitous seed felled from the Fruitful Tree!” He stomped deep in the mound as if ‘twas what he scorned, kicking filth all around like a bullshitter, horned. “As a Joshua tree will my belief so grow from this filth beneath me and the faith that I show!” All day he preached thereon till sun slept and moon fell, and though he bathed till dawn he could not shake the smell. “The iniquities last, ever without reprieve as shadows from the past cast by Adam and Eve.” He thought it a trial from which others might learn, yet his wife thought it vile— a circumstance to spurn. “If you are so holy,” she said, “be a saint no more roly-poly. Wash away your foul taint!” “Tis the taint of the world!” he said, “and follows thus!” She screamed at him, then hurled a pan, raising a fuss. “Out! Out!” she cried, “Out, swine! I cannot endure you! Were I not wedded thine I would marry anew!” The preacher fled thither, backside aching from blows, and felt his heart wither, as did his crinkling nose. “The stench persists,” he said, walking the country lane, knowing not where to head while stench brimmed in his brain. “Now I am an exile from out my own good home, prey to some devil’s wile and forever to roam!” Angrier than before, the preacher returned now to the high mound once more with a complacent brow. “Still do your sins smell!” he proclaimed, hands aloft. “And will thus unto Hell when sulphur and fire waft! Raise your heads up to me, and know the higher ground, for I stand above thee, a sermon on the mound!” For the rest of his days the mad preacher lectured, decrying the world’s ways while retching on each word.